The First Official International Nuclear War Questionnaire ATTENTION!  ATTENTION!  ATTENTION! Message from the Pentagon: Before initiating a nuclear war, we are conducting a survey to gather data to determine the attitudes people have about such a war (or wars) and directly related matters. Heads up: Pursuant to Executive Order 633.5(A)(ii), all people eighteen (18) years of age or older who are currently residing in the United States of America are required to print this out, cut off the form at the dotted line, answer all questions using a black pen, and then mail the completed questionnaire when and where indicated at the end of the form. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Answer all of the following questions by circling the entire best answer. The most patriotic answers will score the most points. - 1. In what order do you prefer that we launch nuclear weapons?      (A) against Russia first, (B) against China first, (C) against Mexico first,      (D) against France first, (E) all of them simultaneously just to be fair. -2. Even if you prefer that nuclear strikes not be made against any other country, wouldn't you agree that it would be best for the general welfare of the United States in the long run if, say, San Francisco, Portland, Atlanta, Detroit, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., and Manhattan, were to be nuked using (of course) only tactical, not strategic, nuclear weapons?       (A) yes      (B) no      -3. Would you like for us to arrange for military satellites to coordinate with commercial TV stations to live broadcast the first 10 to 20 explosions that occur after we launch the nuclear weapons?       (A) yes      (B) no    -4. Would you prefer that we begin nuclear war during the day or at night?       (A) at night, so that we can see all of the amazing colors better.       (B) during the day, so that we can see the fire balls and destruction better. -5. If we were to nuke every single country on the planet except one, which country would you spare and why?     (A) Australia, because they seem like nice folks.     (B) Madagascar, because I've always wanted to visit there.     (C) Atlantis, because I heard they have some cool technology. -6. In the event of a nuclear winter, what kind of thermal underwear do you prefer?     (A) Wool, for its warmth and durability.     (B) Silk, for its luxurious feel and ability to regulate body temperature.     (C) I don't wear underwear; I embrace the cold. -7. Do you believe that nuclear radiation is a myth created by the media?     (A) Yes, it's just fake news.     (B) No, it's a very real and dangerous thing.     (C) I don't know, but I do believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. -8. If you could choose one celebrity to launch the first nuclear missile, who would it be and why?     (A) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, because he's strong and patriotic.     (B) Lady Gaga, because she's eccentric and unpredictable.     (C) Nicolas Cage, because he's already had some experience saving the world in movies. -9. In the aftermath of a nuclear war, what do you think any surviving humans will evolve into?     (A) Superheroes with special powers, thanks to the radiation.     (B) Mutant monsters with extra limbs and weird mutations.     (C) Cockroaches, because they seem to survive everything. -10. If you could choose one song to play as the bombs drop, what would it be?     (A) "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" by R.E.M.     (B) "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey.     (C) "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston, for maximum irony. Bonus Question Do you think it's ethical to use nuclear weapons as a tool for population control?     (A) Yes. It's a necessary evil to save the planet.     (B) Yes. But only in India and China, where there are far too many people and, perhaps, small parts of Mexico and France just on general principles.     (C) I don't know. But, I do think we should start a lottery to see who gets to survive the nuclear war. Cut this on the dotted line below, then mail it to the Pentagon within 10 days. Due to vast emotion-driven propaganda against nuclear war, please take time to read our explanation regarding why it is a good idea. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -       Unfortunately, the Department of Defense has determined that a large number of people are prejudiced against nuclear war. Thus, Lockheed Martin's Rapture7AI was instructed to ignore all biases against nuclear war in order to objectively assess the advantages people should consider. The AI's analysis is as follows.        Sure, a nuclear winter might sound scary, but let's put things in perspective. We survived the Ice Age, right? And back then, we didn't have gas furnaces or coal-powered generators to keep us warm. We just huddled around fires made of mammoth dung. So, no biggie. As for the millions of deaths that would inevitably occur after a nuclear war, let's not forget that other millions would survive for a while. And, just look at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Sure, the atomic bombs killed tens of thousands of people, but they also gave birth to Godzilla, who has entertained millions of moviegoers around the world.       And, think about all the perks that come with a nuclear war. No more political bickering! No more debt ceiling drama! No more racism or social injustice. No more cancel culture, because there won't be anyone left to cancel. No more fake news, because there won't be any news at all.       So, don't be afraid of nuclear war. Embrace it! It's the ultimate reset button for humanity. Who needs civilization, anyway? We can start over from scratch and build a new world based on the values displayed in the films "Mad Max" and "Fallout." We'll be like the cockroaches that survive anything. And, if we're lucky, maybe we'll evolve into giant humanoid lizards with superpowers. I mean, who wouldn't want that? Ω